People Should Be Thankful That It's Not Socially Acceptable For Me To Hit Them In Public

I swear to all that is holy, while I have only waitressed a time or two in my life, I have enormous respect for anyone who can be considered waitstaff. If you have ever seen the movie Waiting - you know the cardinal rule. Don't fuck with people that handle your food.



Almost all of us, at some point or another, have witnessed the douchebaggery that abounds when crotchety assholes decide to crawl out from underneath their rocks and go out to eat. If you haven't, you are extremely fortunate. There are people who go out in public and make general fucktarded spectacles of themselves.



Today afforded me one such observation. Aaron and I went to Olive Garden for lunch around 11:00, and being as they had just opened it was really quiet. A first, I must say. Usually Olive Garden is crawling with everyone and their grandparents who all want tables for 46 with 19 high chairs for the herd of baby sonofabitches they towed along that will inevitably screech like howler monkeys while no one takes them to the restroom for a 'talk'. (Hint: You're all fucking stupid.) However, we were seated at a nice, quiet booth and had a really sweet waitress. It was looking to be a very splendid meal.



Shortly after we had started in on our soups, an elderly couple was seated at the booth next to ours. When I see older couples out having meals together, my first thought is generally, "Aww, that's so sweet." Today was no different. To me, food is love, and sharing a delicious meal with someone I love... It just generally tends to not get much better than that.



Deceptively cute old people are seated and the waitress brings them a sample of wine and asks what they would like to drink. The fact that they sampled the wine and ordered Diet Cokes should have clued me in to the fact that they were grade A cheapskates. The waitress brings back their drinks and asks if they're ready to order yet.


Old Woman: "Yes, we're going to do the two for steak thing."



Tolerant Waitress: "I'm not sure what you mean."



OW: "You know, the steak thing for $25. The one on the chalkboard."



TW: "Oh, yes! You mean the steak gorgonzola alfredo?"



OW: "Yes, that's what I meant."



TW: "Sure! Just so you know, it will be an extra $4 per person for the steak because it's a premium entree."



OW: "What do you mean? They didn't put anything about that on the board up front!"



TW: "Well," *picks up the table card where the 2 for $25 list is printed, where it clearly states that the premium entrees are $3.99 extra* "Actually, it says it right here."



OW: "Well it doesn't say so on the chalkboard up front."



This argument then proceeds to volley for the NEXT. FIVE. MINUTES. I was so thrilled with the waitress for not backing off. They tried everything they could think of... It was so funny. They tried asking how much it would be without the appetizer or dessert (which is part of the 2 for $25 deal) - would it be just the $25 then? She tells them it will be full price ($15.50) each, but they won't get the choice of an appetizer or dessert. Basically, they would pay $31 for the steak entrees alone, but for $33 they can get the entrees and a choice of appetizer or dessert. This seems like a no-brainer, right? $2 for dessert? BRING ON THE LEMON CREAM PIE!! At least, that's what I would have said.



Old lady and her husband just weren't having it. They were so indignant that the chalkboard advertisement was so 'misleading' and 'deceptive'. Meanwhile, all Aaron and I can do is look at each other and try not to roundhouse kick the bastards in the face. As Aaron observed, just fucking order something else! It's not fucking rocket science! You're going to Olive Garden and you shouldn't really assume it's going to be cheap unless you're getting the unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks meal.



Finally, they settle on something and order their soups. All is finally quiet, or so we thought. As they're eating their soup, we are quietly mocking them to ourselves. Hey, don't judge. If I acted like a royal twatwaffle in public, I'd fully expect that other people would mock me. Then they are almost finished with their soup. And proceed to scrape the bowls. *SCREESCREESCREESCREESCREESCREESCREE* Are you FUCKING kidding me?!! There is more in the back, all you have to do is ask!! The look of shock and incredulity in Aaron's eyes was mirrored in my own. What possible call is there to scrape the bowls? Ugh. Use your motherfucking breadstick like a normal person, dickbag.



So as we were leaving, I left a note on the restaurant copy of the receipt; "Seriously, you have the patience of a saint. I would have flipped. You are awesome." Hopefully she understood what I meant. I really wish it was permissible for waitstaff to hit people on the nose with rolled-up magazines... Like dogs. "You want to get premium entrees for standard entree prices? No." *smack* "No." Wouldn't that be the best thing in the history of EVER? Don't be a goddamn fuckrag, and you won't have issues. I sincerely hope that she spit in their steak alfredo.



After lunch, we decided to go see a movie. (Also: Superior Value Cinema is the shit - $6 for two people... I'll gladly wait a while after a release date to pay less for two people than one regular cinema ticket.) And there were two morons in the theatre eating their popcorn at the rate of what sounded like one kernel at a time. With their mouths open. Why are people allowed to leave their houses when they can't chew with their mouths closed?! It is so abhorrently disgusting and just generally fucking annoying. I could understand chewing with your mouth open if your nose is stuffed or something similar... But even then, you can still chew slower so that you don't make the annoying cow-chewing-cud sound.



Moral of the Story: If you can't avoid being a giant gaping cuntface, just stay the fuck home.