Leave The Yoga Pants Out Of This

Why is it that women continually insist on wearing clothing that is not at all flattering to their body type? I just don’t get it. I’m aware of my body type, and I’m sure every once in a while I mess up and wear something unflattering. However, every time I venture out in public it seems as if Wal-Mart is contagious… How else do you explain people in normal situations wearing clothing you normally see Mart-necks wearing to take advantage of this week’s exciting rollback prices?

I don’t understand why a woman should need to be told that she’s got a body that could be likened to Danny DeVito’s Penguin fatsuit. If you one day find yourself watching Batman Returns and envying the Penguin for his adorable tuxedo shirt onesie, STEP AWAY FROM THE YOGA PANTS. And when the fuck did yoga pants become interchangeable with sweatpants? To me, yoga pants are great for working out and wearing to bed as pajama pants. However, I don’t look like the Penguin. My ass doesn’t look like a frog put on a pair of pants and stood up.

If you have back titties, don’t wear tiny tops. Smearing a cute shirt over your muffin top doesn’t make you a cupcake. It makes you incapable of dressing yourself properly.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m a (platitude for chubby) girl. There is nothing wrong with bigger women, nothing at all. If you wanna flaunt what you have, I’m all for it. But please, for the sake of everyone’s sight, don’t flaunt it in jeans that are three sizes too small! Wear pants and shirts that fit properly. If your shirt is so small it hikes up while you’re WALKING – it’s time to rethink your wardrobe choices. There’s no call for wearing shirts that let your belly sag out.

I’m honestly baffled sometimes. Do these people not own mirrors? I know its June and it’s getting warm out, finally. But they do make tank tops and shorts in plus sizes. I know, I own some. Stop deluding yourself into thinking you can still shop in the junior’s section. You’re not an 11 if it looks like your torso is melted ice cream dripping out over the too-small cone you stuffed it in. And for fuck’s sake, leave the yoga pants at home unless you’re going to the gym! They didn’t do anything to you.

Unless, of course, you think this look is sexy:

"Bring me the first-borns!"