Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Totally Would Have Been A Rat-Pack Groupie

My experience with Pandora radio falls into a few different categories… As I mentioned in my post about how completely stunted my thinking process is, I spend most of my work day listening to Pandora. Occasionally I listen to it while in the shower at home, or while putting on makeup (ha, like THAT ever fucking happens) or while doing my hair (ha, like THAT ever fucking happens either – ponytails and plastic clips are my BFFs). But mostly, I listen to it at work. Because my thinking process could be equated to that of a three year old cracked up on Pixie Stix and Mountain Dew, I often have strange ideas while listening to Pandora.

While I listen to my Kelly Clarkson station, I often have fantasies of bursting out in song at work. As if it is socially appropriate to bust out in a terribly off-key rendition of, ‘Tough Lover’ in the middle of a workday. After all, who the fuck doesn’t want to be serenaded by my screechy voice squeaking out a horrible version of something by Christina Aguliera? The answer to that is NO ONE, of course. There is no one person who would not be completely blown away by the sweetly well-intentioned sound of my pathetic attempts at being an awesome singer. In my ego-centric delusions, I am met by applause and copious amounts of flattery… Why no, I haven’t had any professional singing lessons. It’s all pretty much self-taught, thankyouverymuch.

While I listen to my Alan Menken (read: mostly Disney songs and musical numbers) station, I think to myself that it would be so damn awesome to be a mermaid. And it becomes really difficult to keep myself from singing along with the songs I’ve had memorized since the age of 7. To satisfy my insanity, I will lip-sync along with these words and I will promise myself that this year, goddamn it, I WILL dress up like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz to satisfy my inner 8-year-old – even if I have to hand-sew myself a fucking blue gingham dress. And because my son would look motherfucking ADORABLE in a Cowardly Lion costume. Except he’d be majorly pissed that I prevented him from being Batman, Spiderman, Iron Man, Thor or some equally masculine comic book character that reigns supreme on the playground that year. But fuck it, I’m paying for the damn thing. Sadly, this will only end one way; with me buying the $25 comic book character costume with the fake muscles that he will inevitably try and convince me would be the best thing ever to wear to school under his clothes because MOOO-OOOOMMMM…. Everyone will think I have big muscles! No, kiddo. No, they won’t. Because the fake Styrofoam muscles look like a 12-year old photoshopped them onto a costume. This station constantly leads to disappointment and sadness all around.

When I listen to my Static-X station, it is usually up deafeningly loud and it is usually because I’m pissed and contemplating things that would inevitably end up with me playing a game of cat and mouse with a profiler from the FBI.

When I listen to my Christmas Don’t Be Late (Alvin and the Chipmunks) station, it is because I’m not listening to it because it is my son’s station. And he loves nothing more than to listen to (and be sung) Christmas carols any time of the year. Perhaps he thinks that if he listens to Christmas music, it will make the joyous holiday come around that much faster. I don’t know. His mind is as screwed up as, if not more so than, mine.

My Dean Martin station is another station that constantly leads to sadfaces and dashed hopes and dreams. Because I listen to the music of an era long gone, and I see myself in a beautiful A-line cocktail dress with some super adorable coordinating shoes and a jaunty little hat perched flirtatiously over one eye, cat-eye makeup and red lipstick, and completely in my element. I see myself at some glamorously Mad Men-esque party, martini in hand, telling funny jokes and stories that have everyone enraptured. And then the band strikes up something wonderful like, ‘In The Mood’ or the French, ‘La Vie En Rose’ (also, I can’t hear that song and NOT picture Audrey Hepburn serenading Humphrey Bogart in Sabrina), and a dashing partner in a well-tailored suit whisks me out on to the dance floor. He leads me through a beautiful dance, and the atmosphere is intoxicating. And then I realize that the era I would have thrived in is long gone. We just don’t have the same class and standard that we used to. Granted, a lot of other things have come a long way in terms of social acceptance, but some of the wonderful qualities that were commonplace have gone the way of the Dodo bird. I am also incredibly sad that I’m too young to have had the opportunity to thrown my cat at Dean Martin. And if you are young enough to think that ‘Little Bitty Pretty One’ was originally sung by Aaron Carter, you can go fuck yourself.


Pandora is depressing as all fuck.

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