Tales From The Ghetto...

I live in an apartment building that features what has to be one of the trashiest collections of human beings this side of Section 8. That's not to say that everyone on housing is trash, because I know some great, hard-working people who are on, or who have been on, assistance. However, my apartment building features cheap rent and no background checks. You do the math.

I have now lived in this building for nearly three years. I chose it because it was what I could afford on my foray into single parenthood. My city features ridiculously high rent for apartments that, most of the time, aren't anywhere near worth what they're asking for them. And the majority of the rentals you can find that are reasonably priced have income limits. It's all sorts of rampant fucktardery. But I digress.

Some of the tenants there have been fairly quiet, and a few seem like they are semi-normal. Of course, as my luck would have it, neither of the apartments on either side of me have housed any of those types of tenants... When I moved in, there was the crazy ass couple in the corner apartment (featured in this old blog post), and it has only gone downhill from there.

The newest tenants both moved in within a few weeks of one another on either side of my apartment. With the exception of their playing annoyingly loud music at inappropriate times during the night, I thought the couple who moved in seemed pretty decent. Oh, how wrong I would be...

My little guy was spending the weekend at his dad's house, and it was a good thing since the female decided to go full-on, Jerry Springer, who is mah baby's daddeh, batshit insane. Around 2:00-3:00 a.m. Saturday morning, we were startled out of sleep by what can only be described as a body being thrown around the apartment next door. Thuds against the adjoining walls, things crashing and breaking, and all manners of twatwafflery. And then, oh sweet baby Jeebus, she got on the phone. And proceeded to fill just about every stereotype she possibly could.

The majority of it was muffled screaming that was pretty much unintelligible. I don't speak fluent Ebonics. One phrase that stood out was, "WHERE IS MAH DAMN BAYBAY!? YOU COME GIT MEH AND BRING MEH TO MAH BAYBAY!" My favorite line of the night was, "YOU AIN'T MAH BABY DADDY, YOU JEST MAH BO'FRIEN'!" She apparently decided that she was being too loud after a while, and went outside. We have our windows open because the site manager doesn't know the difference between, 'too warm for heat' and, 'too cold for no heat' and enjoys turning on the heat when it's far too warm for it. So the crazy bitch is now outside, her insanity echoing off the brick walls in the alley, and is now clearer and louder than she was in her apartment. Great. Why didn't you just use a fucking megaphone in case they couldn't hear you WITHOUT the phone? She's screeching at her bo'friend' to come pick her up and bring her to her baybay because apparently she's NOW concerned about the welfare of said squalling meal ticket.

The time for that is past. Try leaving your crotch muppet with someone you actually trust instead of the dude you're banging. This continues for a period of time, and then she shuts the fuck up and comes back inside. We breathed a sigh of relief and started to fall back to sleep. But she wasn't done with her spree of murdering REM cycles, oh no... She gets on the phone AGAIN and starts screaming at someone different. Wash, rinse, repeat. She ends up outside screeching like a howler monkey once more. Ugh.

And then, on the other side of us, there's another moron. This one sat in the doorway of his apartment the first few nights on his laptop. No joke - half in the hallway, half in his apartment. Then he proceeds to set up a router that's got a signal booster on it in the hallway. Real smart, numbnuts. We had to call our IP to fix our WiFi, and they tagged his booster. Two days later, I come out to this:

This is what it says:

"To whom this may conserne.

first off who is stealing cable? I get my wifi from my sister in apt. 2. we split the bill. 2nd off If it was illegal to use a wifi extender than why do they sell them. So before you go accusing people of crimes get the facts straight. nobody is stealing shit.

Sincersly

Adam Apt 10"

Oh my lord, the grammatical and spelling errors. It makes me tic just reading it. A few days later, the router disappeared from the hallway. Then, a bunch of tires apparently lost their rubbers and spawned a fuck-ton of tire babies, because there were five tires in the hallway resting against the wall. And then a day or so later, this:

Hiding your illegal router fail.

And just for good measure, someone has left this nasty-ass thing that looks as if it is covered in the ass-juices of 100 anal whores who didn't douche before buttsex:

It's been in the hallway for at least a month and a half. Aww yeah, you wish you lived in my apartment building. FML. I need a shower in straight bleach while I scour myself with an S.O.S. pad covered in Comet. I wonder how much the skin grafts will run me?